Funny One Liners | Sarcastic Quotes

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. (Mark Twain)

I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. (Oscar WildeOh, how I love this man’s words!)

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? (Stephen Wright)

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. (Jack Handey)

If A is a success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z is keeping your mouth shut. (Albert Einstein)

Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything. (Josef Stalin)

Death solves all problems: no man, no problem. (Joseph Stalin)

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. (George W. Bush, signing $471-billion defense-spending bill)

(I’m sorry, I can’t resist. I just burst out laughing when I read that one. Read it carefully and you’ll see why)

You will find it a distinct help… if you know and look as if you know what you are doing. (IRS training manual)

If your eyes are set wide apart you should be a vegetarian, because you inherit the digestive characteristics of bovine or equine ancestry. (Dr. Linard Williams Medical Officer to the Insurance Institute of London, 1932)


I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up. (Lenny Bruce)

Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite (Germaine Greer)

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her (Ellen DeGeneres)

Don’t be humble. You’re not that great. (Golda Meir)

When you come to a fork in the road, take it. (Yogi Berra)