Funny One Liners | Sarcastic Quotes

When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can’t eat? What should I eat, someone else’s cake instead? George Carlin

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read Groucho Marx

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. George Carlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car Carrie Snow

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing Emo Phillips

Aren’t we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa? Bart Simpson

My mom was a ventriloquist & she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father Wendy Leibman

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus Bob Rubin

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place Johnny Carson

You can get every other flavor except coffee-flavored coffee! They got mochaccino, they got chocaccino, frappaccino, rappaccino, Al Pacino, what the fuck?! Denis Leary

People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird & they take Prozac to make it look normal Bangstrom

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened Rita Rudner

Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two year old. son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list Denis Leary

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? Warren Hutcherson

We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms’ Elayne Boosler

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash Jerry Seinfeld

You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner Aristophanes

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is Ellen DeGeneres

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That’s why you should never date a baseball player Marsha Warfield

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget Michael McShane