Funny One Liners | Sarcastic Quotes

My Personal Faves:

Everybody needs something to believe. I believe I'll have another cup of coffee!

A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book. Ah, Paradise!

Oh I am just an ordinary girl who loves garlic bread, bread with garlic on it.

I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says: I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.

Why get real? Plastic is cheaper, It doesn't rot, It comes in prettier colors, and it's much easier to clean!

She's a rebel, She's a rebel, She's a rebel, and she's dangerous!!!!

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you!

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

I never really grew up, I only learned how to act in public.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.

And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

When in doubt, mumble.

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.




By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn't believe me. (bwhhahah)


Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.


Include me out.


Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain


After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." (aka i cant speak iglish)


Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!


This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.


I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.


"You know what they say, what doesn't kill you..."

'Leaves you maimed, depressed and with and incredibly large debt to the hospital?'


Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.


Sometimes I just sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits


I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.



Basic research is what I’m doing, when I don’t know what I’m doing.