Funny One Liners | Sarcastic Quotes

I'm drunk...I'm armed...I'm off my meds. You had better make your message really, really sweet.

The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Mind like a steel trap - Rusty and Illegal in 37 states.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Hello, you have reached my automated answering service, your call will be answered in the order in which it was recieved, your call is number 5,293, please hold, your call is important to us

Hi, I'm probably here, I'm just avoiding someone I don't want to talk to. Leave a message and if I don't IM you back, well, what can I say?

"God is as real as I am." he assured me, and my faith was restored, for I knew Santa would never lie.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.

Not many people know this, but last summer I worked as a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Evolution -- life's a niche, and then you die

This is an alien being from Alpha Cenatrei. I have been sent to earth in the form of an away message so that I might mate with your computers. You may not know it but as you read this, I am having sex with your computer. Leave a message, but please IM me again later because I am VERY VERY HORNY.

The election season is officially underway, along with the traditional political food chain of information. The candidates say something, their staff explains what they meant, media pundits explain what they really meant, and the public bases its decision on the ensuing late-night talk show opening monologues.

"The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper."

I ran out of gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn't my fault, I swear to god!

Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well ...basically... your house burned even faster.
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, have you considered becoming a guillotine operator?"

01001001 01100001 01101101 01101110 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 (this is binary code for the ASCII encoding "I am not here")

I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Never judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes, 'cuz by then, he's a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever the hell you want to.

The rain, it raineth on the Just and the Unjust fella. But chiefly on the Just because the Unjust steals the Just's umbrella.

That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast.

When life gives you a lemon, say 'Lemons? I like lemons. What else have you got?'

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the fuck did the ceiling go?!"

Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy ANYTHING.

There are plenty more fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish?

If you are the credit card company, I already sent the money. If you are one of my friends, you owe me money. If you are female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Tonight's weather, dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Tech Support: "I need you to boot the computer."
Customer: (THUMP! Pause.) "No, that didn't help."

You have reached the reverend my confession hotline. Please leave your sin, and I'll get back to you with a penance. Remember that a confession doesn't count unless it's a vivid, detailed, blow-by-blow description of the sin. Thank you.

Some people live life in the fast lane - I live in oncoming traffic.

My philosophy is a mixture of the three famous schools -- the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans - and all three can be summed up in my famous phrase, "You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink."

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

I'm not here, I've gone out to look for myself. If I come back before I return, please tell me to wait.