Funny One Liners | Sarcastic Quotes

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.

If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression.

He is YOUR god, they are YOUR rules, YOU burn in hell.

Nostalgia? Revenge is a form of Nostalgia right?

We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked.

That's it, no more free will.

Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium  Strontium 90).

Ever feel like nothing could go right for you and that you are never going to get out of a slump? The need for compainionship is strong enough to overrule any other emotion or any thought. Life seems much blacker without someone to share it with. Life continues regardless, and I abide.

Due to circumstances within my control, tomorrow will be cancelled.

Due to recent cutbacks and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

he shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Whenever you eliminate the inedible, whatever remains, however unpalatable, must be food.

Stop using Jesus as an excuse for being a narrow-minded, bigoted asshole.

I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.

Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

In man's struggle against the world, bet on the world.

When you check out, if spent shell casings aren't littered around your feet, you didn't check out right.

If you can't say anything nice, then at least have the decency to be vague.

Woman and God are intoxicants enough without the hard stuff. Of Course, Woman and God are usually the reason we resort to the hard stuff.

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

Credit, is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

If you're one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.

"Obstruction of justice? No sir, we prefer to think of it 'avoiding complications'."