Funny One Liners | Sarcastic Quotes

Bitter and Cynical Away Messages

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.

If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression.

He is YOUR god, they are YOUR rules, YOU burn in hell.

Nostalgia? Revenge is a form of Nostalgia right?

We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked.

That's it, no more free will.

Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium  Strontium 90).

Ever feel like nothing could go right for you and that you are never going to get out of a slump? The need for compainionship is strong enough to overrule any other emotion or any thought. Life seems much blacker without someone to share it with. Life continues regardless, and I abide.


Due to circumstances within my control, tomorrow will be cancelled.


Due to recent cutbacks and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.


he shortest distance between two points is under construction.


Whenever you eliminate the inedible, whatever remains, however unpalatable, must be food.

Stop using Jesus as an excuse for being a narrow-minded, bigoted asshole.

I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.

Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

In man's struggle against the world, bet on the world.

When you check out, if spent shell casings aren't littered around your feet, you didn't check out right.

If you can't say anything nice, then at least have the decency to be vague.

Woman and God are intoxicants enough without the hard stuff. Of Course, Woman and God are usually the reason we resort to the hard stuff.

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.


Credit, is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.


If you're one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.


The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.


"Obstruction of justice? No sir, we prefer to think of it 'avoiding complications'."

Definitions

Programmer n. - An ingenious device that turns caffeine into code.

Just Friends phrase - I don't just want you to mourn the loss; I want to remind you of it every day. I want you to suffer. I want you to envy. I want you to die slowly, a bit at a time. And I want you to smile and thank me for it.

Depression n. - Anger without enthusiasm.

Sentient Computer

Hi this is the computer. My user away, but I'm open for suggestions. ;-)

Hello, this is the computer. Here I am ... brain the size of a planet, and what does my owner have me doing? ... taking messages on AIM.

Risque, sexy and love away messages.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Leave a message, and I'll IM you back later. Leave a SEXY message and I'll IM you back sooner

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.

36 years old is significant, because at 36 you can sleep with someone half your age and not go to jail.

The chances of meeting someone with Barbie's human-scale measurements (36-18-33) is 1 in 100,000. The chances of meeting someone with Ken's is 1 in 50.

In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

Hello. Here are my answers to yesterday's messages, in order of their arrival. Yes. Tommorow at 5pm. Duct tape and piano wire. Tonight's safety word will be banana. No. Thank you

Jesus paid for our sins - now let's get our money's worth.

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. -Voltaire

Limericks and Poems

So now I know the things I know

And do the things I do
And if you do not like me so
To hell, my love, with you.

Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.

But Hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can Love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
That's what the tell me,
'cause I'm blind.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"

There once was a guy from Umass
He never went to class
But he showed up one day
Oh, screw this I need a lay.

There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last it grew so small
He knew nothing at all,

And now he's a college professor.
Now I lay me down to study,
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
If I should fail to learn this junk,

I pray the Lord I will not flunk.
But if I do, don't pitty me at all,
Just lay my bones in the dorm hall.
Tell my prof I did my best,

Then pile my books upon my chest.
Now I lay me down to rest,
And pray I'll pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake,
That's one less test I'll have to take!

Quotes with attributes

Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. - Charles D'Hericault
Pacifism is objectively pro-Fascist..."he that is not with me is against me." - George Orwell
Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. - Calvin (Bill Watterson)
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards. - Robert Heinlein

"Today we will be having a test."
"I'm ready! I pulled an all-nighter!"
"You studied all night?"
"Oh... ...you're supposed to study?" - MST3K

We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. - Walter Lippmann

Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate. - David Pratt

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love. - Neil Gaiman

How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception. - Alfred de Musset

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What should I eat, someone else's cake instead? - George Carlin

Good ... Bad ... I'm the guy with the gun. - Ash - "Army of Darkness"

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read - Groucho Marx

Humans suffering from a conflict of signals aren't the best people to be holding guns, especially when they've just witnessed a natural childbirth, which definitely looked an un-American way of bringing new citizens into the world. - Good Omens

"ALL YOU CAN HOPE FOR IS THE MERCY OF HELL."
"Yeah?"
"JUST OUR LITTLE JOKE."
"Ngk," said Crowley.

- Crowley in conversation with his superiours - Good Omens

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. - Chang-tzu

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. - Woody Allen

Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctoral gift that no one ever asks for.

Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game.

Sure, once is a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you are left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which, if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper. - Smoking Man

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. - H.L. Mencken

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin

The key to happiness is self-delusion. Don't think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion. - Scott Adams

Work Related Away Messages

Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what is wrong with it.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Sleep is actually a good substitute for coffee.

I can't be fired, slaves are sold.

Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating. One day, I shall be a sweet, succulent escargo of quiescence...until then, I practice.

Knowledge is Power - Power Corrupts - Study Hard

We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

I am currently occupied, give me a couple minutes to get frustrated and then I'll get back to you.

The hard I do immediately. The impossible takes a little bit longer.

Talent does what it can. Genius does what it must. I do what I get paid for.

General Away Messages

I'm drunk...I'm armed...I'm off my meds. You had better make your message really, really sweet.

The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Mind like a steel trap - Rusty and Illegal in 37 states.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Hello, you have reached my automated answering service, your call will be answered in the order in which it was recieved, your call is number 5,293, please hold, your call is important to us

Hi, I'm probably here, I'm just avoiding someone I don't want to talk to. Leave a message and if I don't IM you back, well, what can I say?

"God is as real as I am." he assured me, and my faith was restored, for I knew Santa would never lie.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.

Not many people know this, but last summer I worked as a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Evolution -- life's a niche, and then you die

This is an alien being from Alpha Cenatrei. I have been sent to earth in the form of an away message so that I might mate with your computers. You may not know it but as you read this, I am having sex with your computer. Leave a message, but please IM me again later because I am VERY VERY HORNY.

The election season is officially underway, along with the traditional political food chain of information. The candidates say something, their staff explains what they meant, media pundits explain what they really meant, and the public bases its decision on the ensuing late-night talk show opening monologues.

"The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper."

I ran out of gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn't my fault, I swear to god!

Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well ...basically... your house burned even faster.
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, have you considered becoming a guillotine operator?"

01001001 01100001 01101101 01101110 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 (this is binary code for the ASCII encoding "I am not here")

I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Never judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes, 'cuz by then, he's a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever the hell you want to.

The rain, it raineth on the Just and the Unjust fella. But chiefly on the Just because the Unjust steals the Just's umbrella.

That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast.

When life gives you a lemon, say 'Lemons? I like lemons. What else have you got?'

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the fuck did the ceiling go?!"

Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy ANYTHING.

There are plenty more fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish?

If you are the credit card company, I already sent the money. If you are one of my friends, you owe me money. If you are female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Tonight's weather, dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Tech Support: "I need you to boot the computer."
Customer: (THUMP! Pause.) "No, that didn't help."

You have reached the reverend my confession hotline. Please leave your sin, and I'll get back to you with a penance. Remember that a confession doesn't count unless it's a vivid, detailed, blow-by-blow description of the sin. Thank you.

Some people live life in the fast lane - I live in oncoming traffic.

My philosophy is a mixture of the three famous schools -- the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans - and all three can be summed up in my famous phrase, "You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink."

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

I'm not here, I've gone out to look for myself. If I come back before I return, please tell me to wait.

Random Quote:
The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.